It seems that the headline making donut-licking incident has finally come to a close. Charges have not beef filed and Ariana Grande, with her get out of jail free card, can move on to Tootsie Pops. Perhaps we’ll finally find out how many licks it really takes to get the center. Ariana licked, some say spit on, a pastry with her boy toy dancer friend and said, “I hate America” as a giant pan of freshly fried donuts was placed under her nose. World news shifted from the assassination of church members in South Carolina to the downing of the Confederate Flag (good riddance) to the pastry scandal (cue Olivia Pope and team) that rocked the United States. The entertainment pundits said, as they broke in on World News Tonight (Where’s Brian Williams when we need him most for his most unbiased opinion?), that her career was over in hushed and gleeful tones as they reviewed her oddly black and white video apology with puffy cheeks blamed on dental work (see how quickly donuts cause tooth decay?). Soon, Donald Trump will seek her deportation as a boarder crossing food licker of Mexican heritage (she’s Italian, but that’s close enough for The Donald). Shall we assess the “incident”? First, let’s all agree that it was nice to see that the teeny tiny former Disney princess actually eats a sweet treat every now and then. These days, she seems to prefer cat-like over princess (you’ve seen those cat ears) which makes me think of Catwoman which makes me wonder what goes on in her bedroom. Shall we call Big Sean? Why is he “big” again? Ah, that may explain the breakup. What’s with these ex-Disney stars a la Miley anyway? I digress, but see, the point is Ariana is normal! She eats sugar (it doesn’t go straight to the hips like the rest of us) and does silly things. Second, as for the United Nations of America bashing, let’s get real. She was not bashing her country, but clearly alluding to the ridiculously overwhelming access to sugar laden, fat bearing and causing foods. Why didn’t those Super Size Me, Fast Food Nation people come to her rescue? Yeah, where are you now Dr. Oz? I’m not a PR guru, but I would have never let Ariana apologize for something she clearly didn’t mean. My video speech would have been more like, “Dude, really?!”, end of speech. If she’d still been dating little Big Sean, she could have gone straight to Kanye and co-written the IDFWU version of a theme song for diabetes. For those who ask why she was in the donut shop in the first place (by the way Dunkin should be paying Ariana a fee for international donut awareness), when you do a world tour give me a call and I’ll bring you as many donut holes as you like. For those who refer to the pastry shops that are scattered on every cobble stoned street in Europe, note that what you don’t see in France is an obesity epidemic. Did you see the guy on The View (please do not bring Sherri Shepherd back) last week who once weighed 1000 pounds?!! How many jelly donuts do you think he ate? Before you label me a fat shamer, here’s my apology: “Dude, really?!” My only advice to Ariana is keep singing and focusing on your career, look out for those pesky video cameras (they’re everywhere!) and no more apologizing for what you didn’t do or mean. I know you consider yourself a role model for girls and one thing that we, as girls who become women, do far too much of is apologize for things that don’t require it. While men are saying, “These Hoes Ain’t Loyal” after beating a woman in the face, we’re expressing our sincerest apology when we should be saying “Bitch Better Have My Money”. By the way, Ariana, there’s a place in L.A. called Fronuts where the “donuts” are vegan, gluten free and baked. I’m sure they’d be happy to offer you a free lick.
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